


for a moment we were able to be still

by aqua_marine



Series: No Choir [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb is a Bi Disaster, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 00:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16252781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqua_marine/pseuds/aqua_marine
Summary: Caleb, who has never had a great thing with words when they are not on a written page, has no idea what to say to that.'Don't be sorry about anything for me, I did this to myself'? 'Your heart is too kind for a place like this'?Neither of those are fit to be said aloud. Is the second one even true? Caduceus does, in fact, grow flowers from dead people. But that doesn't mean that he is not kind, no. In fact, in the back of Caleb's mind- unacknowledged- he thinks it slightly charming in a morbid way.-Caleb and Caduceus share the feeling of drowning.





	for a moment we were able to be still

**Author's Note:**

> something in between while i work on my longfic, which has reached approximately 60k and they.... haven't.. met yet... 
> 
> anyway. sorry i wrote this :| i would say no regrets but... there are lots of them. and this fic is included. if there are capitalization mistakes, it is because i originally wrote this in all lowercase. hope you like it, at least!

The ship is swaying slightly on the water. Caleb can feel it through his feet, but isn't bothered much. Nott, on the other hand, keeps glancing down nervously at the boards below her, as if they'll break and drop her into the water. He feels a little sympathy, although he can't comprehend what is so awful about water that makes the idea of swimming in it so abhorrent. Being continuously drowned and revived was terrifying and horrible, but it seems like it would be a one time thing.

And even if it wasn't, the man (firbolg) next to him is in the same boat. Literally. Or ship, Fjord insisted. This is a ship.

He knows about boats (ships) and Caleb definitely doesn't, so he's going to listen to whatever he says, even if they have this sort of tension going on subtly between them. Caleb can tell that Beau sometimes watches them, waiting for them to go for each other's throats, but it hasn't happened yet, and probably won't. Caleb and Fjord are both totally controlled individuals who do not act on impulse or foolishly under any circumstances. Just because Fjord threatened to kill him that one time doesn't mean it will happen again.

Hah. Who is he kidding. They just get on each other's nerves sometimes, like everyone does! Sometimes they don't! And those are the times that count.

Speaking of tension.

Caduceus, Firbolg, Caddie, Deuces, whatever, is sitting on the other bed. There are two beds in this cabin and two in the one next door, but Fjord, Jester, Beau, and Yasha have all graciously agreed to share a room. It is assumed that Caleb and Nott will share the bed, one because caduceus is way too tall to fit with anyone else in a bed this size, and two because Caleb and Nott are always together. Always. That is how they survive.

He is a little curious about what the sleeping arrangement will be in the other room, however. Caleb has a fascination with these things that he can't seem to shake, which has earned him a side-eye by Nott, Jester, Beau, and Fjord. Yasha hasn't been around long enough to make any judgements and those kinds of things probably go right over Caduceus's head.

Will Jester and Beau share a bed? They've done it before, but that would leave Yasha and Fjord, who both seem kind of touchy about that stuff. Also, would Beau really miss a chance to cuddle with Yasha? And for that matter, Jester with Fjord? She seemed a little insecure after Fjord's encounter with Avantika. (Which he can't blame him for. Avantika is... how would one say? _Very attractive._ ) The encounter where _nothing_ even happened, to Caleb's frustration. No, not that kind. It would just be good for all of their safety if she had some feelings for him.

"Hey Caleb," says Nott. Caleb looks to her on the foot of their bed. He would say she's looking a little green in the face, but she always is, so he's going to stick with 'she looks like she might vomit'. "I think I'm gonna... find the bathroom. Or something."

He isn't sure whether this will include getting gunpowder and rotting fruit, but frankly she can do what she wants. "Don't get into trouble, _ja_?" he says, smiling at her. She attempts a grimace back and hurries into the hallway, though this time he can hear the faint voice of a guard, so it seems she really is asking about that instead of sneaking into the cargo hold and... creating a deck of cards? He isn't quite sure about the whole story. Nott was a little scattered at the time.

Caleb leans against the boards making the wall behind him, trying to think about cold things like the feeling of drowning over and over again, and seeing Caduceus's face swirl past as he attempted to grab air with no luck and Avantika's long, sharp ears... nope. Almost here. Not quite.

He shifts on the bed- much more comfortable than the one on the _Mistake_ , though he doesn't deserve it- and his roommate's ears- long, sharp, wide like a bat- turn to him though the rest of him doesn't, still focusing on the scrap of paper in his hands with a list of recipes written on it. Nott snagged it from somewhere unknown and gave it to him. There was a weird moment where they both stared at each other and Caleb sat off to the side with confusion as Nott mouthed some words and Caduceus mouthed some back.

Caleb can see the smallest glimmer of fangs over Caduceus's lower lip. They look sharp. Probably they're never worn down because Caduceus is in the habit of not eating meat, although he eats bread willingly. They're probably sharper than the average firbolg's. They're probably sharp enough to cut Caleb's own lip if he were to bite down. It would probably make him bleed.

Not exactly helping here. He wishes Nott would hurry up and get back before he does something he'll regret, though what that would entail is a mystery. There are a lot of things that Caleb could be doing at any moment that he would regret later, such as lighting a flame in his palm and bringing it too close to his face, which he is not doing, even though his veins are moving with blood hot and heavy.

" _Oh shut up_ ," Caleb mutters to himself in Zemnian, though he refrains from launching into a whole conversation with himself as he does sometimes only because Caduceus's attention is caught by the unfamiliar words. 

"What language is that?" he asks, putting down the paper of recipes on the bedside table (bedside table! in a _ship_!). "That's where your accent comes from, right? I've never heard it on anyone except you."

Finally, _finally_ , he drags his violet eyes over to Caleb. Tonight, the pupils look distinctly cat-like. Sometime they do and sometimes they don't, though if they stayed permanently that way he would fit right in with Fjord and Nott, who have got the whole 'yellow cat eye' thing down to a tee. Caduceus's eyes aren't yellow though. They're violet, darker around the pupils, splashed with sparks of the orange-pink that are the same shade as Caduceus's mop of hair. Pretty.

"It is Zemnian, where I come from," he says. Something in him keeps him talking. Maybe it's the shared memory of water pouring into their mouths and down their throats and seizing them with its cold, unflinching hands. Or maybe it's just Caduceus's face flickering in the low torchlight through the chamber, distorting his features just so to make him the most beautiful person Caleb has ever seen. but only for a second. "The Zemni Fields were overtaken by the Dwendalian Empire decades ago, and our language barely persists, but my p-" he stumbles- "my parents always spoke it and so I learned it too."

Caduceus nods morosely. "It's a terrible thing when a culture is destroyed," he says. Caleb wonders what he knows about that subject. He wonders about a lot of things. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Caleb, who has never had a great thing with words when they are not on a written page, has no idea what to say to that. _'Don't be sorry about anything for me, I did this to myself'? 'Your heart is too kind for a place like this_? 

Neither of those are fit to be said aloud. Is the second one even true? Caduceus does, in fact, grow flowers from dead people. But that doesn't mean that he is not kind, no. In fact, in the back of Caleb's mind- unacknowledged- he thinks it slightly charming in a morbid way.

Caduceus doesn't seem to mind when Caleb has nothing more to say to him, but then again the only thing that he has ever really minded was being drowned over and over again, which most people would be disturbed by. 

However, silence is not enough for Caleb. His hands fidget with the edges of the thin blanket below him and his eyes circle the room over and over again, of course eventually landing back on Caduceus who has leaned back and has his eyes closed. Tightly. Usually that isn't a good sign, and Caleb needs something to do or he is going to do something _worse_. Nott did say there was _lots_ of gunpowder on this ship. But the rest of the Mighty Nein are here too.

Caleb gets up, bed creaking slightly in protest, and makes his way over to Caduceus's. The firbolg's ears are laid back as far as they go, pressed what seems like uncomfortably against the wall. He does not open his eyes as the bed dips across from him, but his chest is rising and falling in a rate too rapid and jagged to be sleep. Too disorganized to even be regular breathing at all. It reminds Caleb unsettlingly of how he knows he becomes seeing his own flames burn across another being and consume them until they are only a pile of insignificant ash.

Caleb hesitantly lifts a hand and reaches up to grasp Caduceus's shoulder. If someone did this to him while he was in shock, he would undoubtedly attempt to incinerate them, but Caduceus is a calm and collected individual most of the time, and Caleb most definitely doesn't feel like water. The opposite, in fact, as his calloused hands signify.

As expected, Caduceus does not startle at the contact. He slowly opens his violet eyes and stares at Caleb, who has shifted forward almost to the point of losing his balance and falling over. "Breathe," says Caleb when the firbolg's inhales continue to rattle despite his completely emotionless expression. It throws Caleb off for a moment, but he understands that this soundless stare is akin to the screaming that he sometimes lets out when he wakes up from a nightmare where everything seemed so real it might as well have happened.

"Breathe. Breathe. Breathe." Caleb says the word over and over like he is casting a spell that will fix it all, but there is no such thing. If there was, he would've used it on himself a long time ago. 

Caduceus gazes back at him blankly for a little too long, eyes glazed over. Caleb takes his free hand and places it on Caduceus's other shoulder. The contact finally seems to break him out of his reverie as he inhales deeply and then begins to blink away the film across his eyes until they are almost clear of sour memories. 

There is no reason to continue to hold on, but Caleb is bad at letting go of anything, so he keeps his hands where they are. Caduceus's ears slowly raise to their original position and he tilts his head almost imperceptibly. "Caleb."

That is all he says. No following words. Just a hoarse voice and violet eyes that gleam. "Are you alright, Caduceus?" Caleb says, though it is more a courtesy. He is clearly not alright, although better than he was a moment ago. The firbolg lets out a shaky breath and wipes the corner of his eye, smearing saltwater across his cheek that shines in the firelight. Caleb doesn't use his thumb to wipe it away only because that would cause him to lose his balance, and that would be awkward.

"Not really," says Caduceus as expected. That is one way they differ. Caduceus has no reason to conceal what he is feeling. Caleb has every reason. But that does not mean he cannot comfort a companion when they need it. "This boat." Caduceus waves a hand out, sparks of electricity briefly flying out of his fingertips in a way that probably means he cannot keep it all in. "I'm stuck on it. There's... no way out. We're stuck here in the water. I..." he trails off as his voice gives out, breathing once again become staccato. "I don't want to be in the water again."

Caleb digs his thumbs into Caduceus's bony shoulders and massages them since there is nothing better to do. He's no expert, but it is rhythmic and that's soothing to him if not to Caduceus. "I understand," he says, and he does. Mostly. Caleb has had plenty of brushes with death, though none in such a horrible manner. Caduceus, on the other hand, for all his nonchalance about the dead around him, has not experienced that feeling. But they both know the water filling their lungs and choking them mercilessly and that is what is important. "It's alright to be afraid, _ja_? We are here with you."

Caduceus smiles, although it is faint. He usually smiles faintly, but generally it is slower and his eyes crinkle at the edges. Very endearing. This smile is more one of solace in terror. It shows his fangs, shining and white. Sharp on the ends. Definitely sharp enough to cut. 

"You're going to fall over soon," Caduceus comments matter-of-factly as Caleb slowly but surely leans farther and farther to his right. Eventually he will be on his back and Caduceus will be looking down at him. That is, if he doesn't right himself. Which of course he will.

Caduceus takes the initiative and grabs Caleb's own shoulders to tilt him back in the right direction, but as he does his violet eyes catch on Caleb's ocean-grey ones and he stills. Caleb is not sure what to do for a moment, although his frustration at life is somewhat quelled by the sensation of Caduceus's skin and bones under his fingers. His beetle armor is off on the floor to the right, annoyingly haphazard. Items of that quality should be treated with care. But those are Caduceus's things, and he can do what he wants with them. Maybe when everyone else is asleep he'll move them around a little. Just for his own well-being.

Caleb is distracted by Caduceus's mouth falling open just slightly as he- stares?- at Caleb for some indiscernible reason. Caleb only has a split second of hesitation before he moves his hands to wrap around Caduceus's neck and pulls him down to where Caleb can kiss him, which is quite a ways. Caduceus is really very tall.

Caleb closes his eyes as Caduceus squeaks ( _squeaks!_ ) and tenses at the sudden movement, but eventually relaxes. Caleb cracks one eye open for a moment and sees no violet looking back at him, then kisses harder just to see if he can find those fangs somewhere. He does. The tang of copper is faint in his mouth.

Both that and the thump on the door cause them both to pull away, Caduceus looking at him with the widest eyes Caleb has ever seen. His grey cheeks are darker than they usually are.

"Hey! Caleb! Can you open up? I think the door's locked!" says the unmistakable high rasp of Nott. Whether she is telling the truth or not is debatable, but Caleb doesn't care as it gives him time to collect himself. He runs a finger over the cut on his lip, wiping the blood off on his dirty battered coat. It's not like it hasn't seen worse.

"Coming," Caleb says, pulling open the door. The guard stationed outside gives them both a suspicious look, but Caleb ignores him and lifts Nott up by the armpits, setting her on his shoulders just because he can. He removes a hand from her knee to shut the door again. For a moment she almost topples over, but she catches herself and laughs.

"What's that for, Caleb?" she says as he walks over to his bed. The room does not have a very tall ceiling. He can feel Nott above him stretching and managing to trail her fingers across the wooden panels.

"No reason," he says. "Don't do that; you'll get splinters." He sits down on the bed and Nott clambers off onto the mattress, though she pauses for a brief moment to cast a look at Caduceus, who is sitting very still. It isn't the same kind of still as before, however. His eyes are very clear and his breathing is measured _very_ carefully. He is staring at them. When Caleb says them, he means _him_.

Nott raises an eyebrow at Caduceus, but he does not react and eventually she lets it go. "I'm tired," she says, flopping onto her back and sinking into the mattress. Caleb smiles.

" _Ja_. It's been a long day, hasn't it?" he says, shifting to lay against the wall so Nott can curl into his side as they usually do, a habit they picked up when the air was too cold in the night to sustain themselves alone. Caduceus is still looking at him, but when Caleb lifts his eyes to meet the firbolg's, he breaks his gaze, slouching down so he is almost horizontal, but his head is still propped up on the single pillow.

Caleb watches him for just long enough to see Caduceus touch his lips and furrow his brows at the wooden walls in front of him before he murmurs a word in Zemnian under his breath and all of the fire in the room is blown out by a sudden gust, leaving the room so dark he can only see the faintest of outlines.

There are a couple of minutes of slow breathing before Nott's voice breaks the silence in a whisper that is not as quiet as she probably thinks it is. "Oh, Caleb. I forgot to mention."

She pauses to make sure he is listening, and he nods. She can see in the dark. It's fine.

"While I was out," she says, "I also got another gun."

Caleb can't help his laugh.


End file.
